© 2016 Jeanne E Webster. All rights reserved and observed.
- Put on clean underwear before you leave the house, in case you’re in an accident.
(Why clean underwear? Were they going to check my underwear if I’m in an accident?)
*You were right, Mom! Now in my seventies, I HAD an accident! Gotta keep a supply of Depends now!
- Don’t put your tongue on frozen metal pipes.
(Not heeded. Tongue stuck but not for long. Debunked that theory.)
*I’m afraid to do this now, as I wouldn’t want to lose my dentures!
- Don’t pester hornet’s nests.
(Yep! I messed with a yellow jacket’s nest and went “Ow, ow, ow, ow” all the way home! They got underneath my clothes– clean ones at that.)
*I still won’t mess with these!
- Girls do not beat up boys.
(Why not? They had it coming. They were always troublemakers.)
*They still are! But I no longer do battle.
- Act like a lady.
(Why? I didn’t like dresses, hats, dress shoes, skirts, petticoats—who wanted to be a lady anyway?)
*I’ve advanced to wearing Sunday-go-to-meeting attire now that I’m an old grey-haired lady.
- Eat your onions (or stuffing, parsnips, rutabagas or broccoli); they’re good for you.
(We had the healthiest dogs in the world! Under the table they scooted at mealtimes to chow down all the yucky stuff our little fingers could gather.)
*I’m advancing in age quite rapidly, so I’ve decided I love onions, stuffing, and all that yummy stuff.
- No lipstick, makeup, nylons or shaved legs til you’re 16. If you wear these things, you’ll look like a hussy.
(So… after I’m 16, I’ll look like a hussy? I’d seen hussies but they didn’t look all decked out like that.)
*Now in my seventies, I have no leg hair to shave but do have an abundance of nose hairs and those chinny-chin ones!
- No dating til you’re 16.
(I was too busy playing football, wrestling, and fixing cars with boys.)
*My hubby and I generally meet at our living room recliners for a meal while watching reruns of Happy Days or the Carol Burnette Show.
- Stay away from the railroad trestle.
(Never listened to this. My paper route went from the eastside of town to the south side, with a big river in-between. This meant I had to go all the way downtown, cross the bridge, then head south from my eastside deliveries–or walk the trestle. It was the way to go! It saved 20 minutes off my time.)
*I no longer deliver newspapers in town. No way could I ever outrun that new crop of dogs!
- If someone thought enough of you to send a card or present, you should think enough of them to send a thank-you card.
(A good one, well learned. Seems like we have lost that courtesy a long time ago.)
*Since I am a writer, there’s not too many chances to write that I don’t let slip away.
If you only knew, Mom!