WHO IS THAT?!


© Jeanne E Webster  All rights reserved

I looked up and there she was, smiling at me with a squashed-cockroach grin.

Amid the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping, I had been browsing a department store’s offerings early one morning. Sale items were piled here and there on shelves and hangers, tempting buyers to unleash their monies and take them home. In a hurry, I wanted to get a few last minute gifts before getting back home ahead of the rush hour traffic. I admit I was in a tizzy that day and probably should have stayed home.

She didn’t say a word, just stood there staring right through me as if I were a ghost. My thoughts rambled into a frantic search for a name. Who was this woman?!

Search….search….search. Nothing solid…a few pauses, hesitations to process. No, that isn’t it…no, not her. Running out of data…. She looks so familiar but I can’t pull out a name. WHO IS SHE?!

Knowing I had only seconds before this woman would call my bluff, I shuffled my feet to change position, trying to shoulder her out of direct vision. I caught a quick glimpse of movement and shuddered. My bluff was over!

Pretending I had just noted her presence, I slowly pivoted my body full force towards her, ready to face a tongue lashing. Before I could utter a word, the woman chuckled out loud, “Oh my! That’s me!” (I hadn’t noticed the mirrored wall at all!)

Oh well, another senior moment. Have a nice day!

Hey Pete, Johnny, Tom . . .

©Jeanne E Webster – All Rights Reserved

A farmer who was out plowing with one mule kept yelling at it, “Giddap, Pete! Giddap, Barney! Giddap, Johnny! Giddap, Tom!“

A stranger, observing this, finally asked, “How many names does that mule have?”

“Only one,” answered the farmer. “His name is Pete, but he doesn’t know his own strength, so I put blinders on him. Then I yell the other names at him, and he thinks three other mules are helping him!”

~

In a serious sense, we sometimes feel we have blinders on when trying to plead our cause before the Lord. “We know not how to pray.”  

Reaching out to others not only strengthens us but deepens our zeal. There is nothing like prayer to bring hope to the downcast, peace to the anxious, or healing to the sick.

James 5:17b “The prayer of a righteous man avails much.”

Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”

~Shalom

Saturday Satire

©Jeanne E Webster-All rights reserved

 

Once there was a lady from Big Creek
Who went to church every week
She always arrived late
T’was just her poor fate:
Though she hurried in like a streak.

The good folks were certain to peek
Things began to look bleak
As she walked the aisle
No one smirked or smiled:
Not even that nice fella, Zeke!

She swayed down the aisle so chic
Bouncing her shapely physique
You could hear a pin drop
As into the pew she’d flop:
With a thump, rumble and a squeak.

With a pungent perfume she did reek
Wore a neat hairdo and red cheeks
She would always complain
Whenever it would rain:
Her perspective needed a tweak.

One day the pastor did speak
To this sweet lady from Big Creek
He gave her some advice
The folks became nice:
She ended up marrying Zeke!

But I Could Catch the Biggest Bull Frogs

© Jeanne E Webster All rights reserved

Thank you, Lord, for Mom and Dad,
My angelic grandma I loved so.
Abundant sustenance all my life,
Safe environments in which to grow.

I respected my brothers and sisters,
Though we fought like cats and dogs.
We played and wrestled and got dirty
…I could catch the biggest bull frogs.

You gave me a sound body and mind;
I learned well to read and write.
Mostly I behaved quite proper;
A few wrongs but tried to do right.

Summer time we got rounded up
One year for that Bible school;
Met this gentle young man, Jesus,
Who taught me the Golden Rule.

He’s led me down life’s pathway,
Soothed my heart and hell-bound soul.
Cleaned me up one side and another;
Dug me out of that dark, deep hole.

The loving heart you gave me, Lord,
I used for lost sisters and brothers
That forgiving spirit was harder to bear;
But you said we should love one another.

Oh, the wisdom in that there Bible,
The tools for us to use in our lives.
I’m finding new ones most every day,
‘especially joys from just being alive.

A thankful heart and loving spirit
Is my offering, Lord, back to you.
Reflecting a happier way of life,
And a heart that’s tried and so true.

FOILED


© Jeanne E Webster All Rights Reserved

I went shopping today for a few groceries and craft supplies. After loitering in the craft area for assorted items, I realized I was tiring and needed a rest room. The restroom came with explicit instructions on how to use the sink, water faucet and soap dispenser, and I was back out onto the main floor in just a few minutes.

One comment: I detest those self-flush toilets! I was “resting” on one of them that insisted I was finished every time I leaned forward just a tad bit. That gadget must have surprised many a rester.

Back to shopping, I pieced through the pet supplies aisle, picked out a few cans of dog food for my spaniel and a cuttlebone for my cockatiel.

Ahead was the sundry aisles . . . should have been a snap. I selected some room aromatics, a jug of laundry soap, a couple of mousetraps, and 12 rolls of toilet paper. Almost through, produce aisle awaits!

I am not a happy shopper. I detest the ordeal. Give me a list and I’ll go through a familiar store in no time flat. Usually; today was an exception. Perhaps I should not have shopped today, it being Sunday, the Lord’s Day.

In my previous life, we never went anywhere on Sunday, ‘cept church and Sunday school. We stayed home the rest of the day and read the Bible, sat outside in decent weather in the porch swing, watched the chickens go from yard corner to fence corner, kicking up lawn stubble as they searched frantically for bugs and more bugs.

Occasionally we were allowed to go swimming at the lake down the road apiece, if it was warm enough out. If it wasn’t warm enough, we would pitch stones across the water or look under rocks for fishing worms. Then, if that adventure was profitable enough, we’d do a little fishing from the bank of the pond next door to my uncle’s house. But we never, ever went shopping. We wouldn’t dare make anyone work on the Lord’s Day. No siree.

To get back to shopping, I was approaching the produce aisles, almost done with my ordeal in the store. I suddenly remembered I needed some aluminum foil, as I was in the midst of fixin’ Christmas recipes. I had already baked Gram’s filled cookies, a full charge of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, a batch of penuche fudge, and a new recipe of oatmeal cranberry bars. All I had left to bake was the old-fashioned sugar cookies, and maybe if everyone behaved, a batch of brownies with a great big Hershey bar in the middle of it for added effect.

I returned to the paper product aisle and found the foil. All I needed was one roll, and not the heavy type for roasting turkeys and such, just one roll of regular foil. So much for that.

There before my eyes on the shelves from top to bottom was FOIL: heavy-duty foil, 20 feet of foil, oiled foil, frosted foil, thin foil, 50 feet of foil, extra heavy duty foil, 200 feet of foil, 3 foot long foil, unoiled foil, brand name foil and store brand foil.

This is why I do not like to shop. I make a list, a simple list of standard things, no embellishment stuff or bells and whistles on it, just ordinary everyday things. You’d think a person could go into a store, walk over to the right shelf, pick out the item, and set it into the shopping cart. No major decisions; simple equations. Go on to the next item, select it and set it into the cart and in no time at all, you’re checking out at the register, walking out to the parking lot, in your car and, poof, you’re home again without a hitch.

But it doesn’t work that way and I know it. I don’t want to have to make decisions that materialize from the atmosphere within the store instead of my organized frame of mind in my own home. Too complicated.

I made it home with all my STUFF, unpacked it and put it away. The box of ungreased, unlined, non-perforated, non-heavy-duty, uncrinkled, 200 feet of Great Value Aluminum Foil currently resides in my cupboard. And that is that. Tomorrow I am going to bake.

Hoary Scritches

 

© Jeanne E Webster. All rights reserved
.
A poem-a-day in the month of April?
Is a tad bit silly; goes better in May.
But an order here I will fulfill
About what or who I just can’t say.
.
The reader will have to wait in line
As the poet scritches the hoary head
Crossing the Ts and the words align
Wafting at play the slatey threads.
.
I whoof off those stringy cobwebs
Sit up straight and take a breath
Thoughts pop in, then out they ebb
Some alive, others scrubbed in death.
.
Cheerio! I say to anyone present
Read these lines and in between
We shall have daily times spent
A’ scribbling in this blogging scene.