Saturday Satire

©Jeanne E Webster-All rights reserved

 

Once there was a lady from Big Creek
Who went to church every week
She always arrived late
T’was just her poor fate:
Though she hurried in like a streak.

The good folks were certain to peek
Things began to look bleak
As she walked the aisle
No one smirked or smiled:
Not even that nice fella, Zeke!

She swayed down the aisle so chic
Bouncing her shapely physique
You could hear a pin drop
As into the pew she’d flop:
With a thump, rumble and a squeak.

With a pungent perfume she did reek
Wore a neat hairdo and red cheeks
She would always complain
Whenever it would rain:
Her perspective needed a tweak.

One day the pastor did speak
To this sweet lady from Big Creek
He gave her some advice
The folks became nice:
She ended up marrying Zeke!

Mom Always Said . . . (edited 70 years later!)

old mom

© 2016 Jeanne E Webster. All rights reserved and observed.

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  1. Put on clean underwear before you leave the house, in case you’re in an accident.

(Why clean underwear?  Were they going to check my underwear if I’m in an accident?)

*You were right, Mom! Now in my seventies, I HAD an accident! Gotta keep a supply of Depends now!

 

  1. Don’t put your tongue on frozen metal pipes.

(Not heeded.  Tongue stuck but not for long.  Debunked that theory.)

*I’m afraid to do this now, as I wouldn’t want to lose my dentures!

 

  1. Don’t pester hornet’s nests.

(Yep!  I messed with a yellow jacket’s nest and went “Ow, ow, ow, ow” all the way home!  They got underneath my clothes– clean ones at that.)

*I still won’t mess with these!

 

  1. Girls do not beat up boys.

(Why not?  They had it coming.  They were always troublemakers.)

*They still are! But I no longer do battle.

 

  1. Act like a lady.

(Why?  I didn’t like dresses, hats, dress shoes, skirts, petticoats—who wanted to be a lady anyway?)

*I’ve advanced to wearing Sunday-go-to-meeting attire now that I’m an old grey-haired lady.

 

  1. Eat your onions (or stuffing, parsnips, rutabagas or broccoli); they’re good for you.

(We had the healthiest dogs in the world!   Under the table they scooted at mealtimes to chow down all the yucky stuff our little fingers could gather.)

*I’m advancing in age quite rapidly, so I’ve decided I love onions, stuffing, and all that yummy stuff.

 

  1. No lipstick, makeup, nylons or shaved legs til you’re 16.  If you wear these things, you’ll look like a hussy.

(So… after I’m 16, I’ll look like a hussy?  I’d seen hussies but they didn’t look all decked out like that.)

*Now in my seventies, I have no leg hair to shave but do have an abundance of nose hairs and those chinny-chin ones!

 

  1. No dating til you’re 16.

(I was too busy playing football, wrestling, and fixing cars with boys.)

*My hubby and I generally meet at our living room recliners for a meal while watching reruns of Happy Days or the Carol Burnette Show.

 

  1. Stay away from the railroad trestle.

(Never listened to this.  My paper route went from the eastside of town to the south side, with a big river in-between.  This meant I had to go all the way downtown, cross the bridge, then head south from my eastside deliveries–or walk the trestle.  It was the way to go!  It saved 20 minutes off my time.)

*I no longer deliver newspapers in town. No way could I ever outrun that new crop of dogs!

 

  1. If someone thought enough of you to send a card or present, you should think enough of them to send a thank-you card.

(A good one, well learned.  Seems like we have lost that courtesy a long time ago.)

*Since I am a writer, there’s not too many chances to write that I don’t let slip away.

 

If you only knew, Mom!

 

Mom Always Said . . .

jeanne aide

© 2010 Jeanne E Webster. All rights reserved and observed.

1. Put on clean underwear before you leave the house, in case you’re in an accident.
(Why clean underwear? Were they going to check my underwear if I’m in an accident?)

2. Don’t put your tongue on any frozen metal pipes.
(Not heeded. Tongue stuck but not for long. Debunked that theory.)

3. Don’t pester hornet’s nests.
(Yep! I messed with a yellow jacket’s nest and went “Ow, ow, ow, ow” all the way home! They got underneath my clothes– clean ones at that.)

4. Girls do not beat up boys.
(Why not? They had it coming. They were always troublemakers.)

5. Act like a lady.
(Why? I didn’t like dresses, hats, dress shoes, skirts, petticoats—who wanted to be a lady anyway?)

6. Eat your onions (or stuffing, parsnips, rutabagas or broccoli); they’re good for you.
(We had the healthiest dogs in the world! Under the table they scooted at mealtimes to chow down all the yucky stuff our little fingers could gather.)

7. No lipstick, makeup, nylons or shaved legs til you’re 16. If you wear these things, you’ll look like a hussy.
(So… after I’m 16, I’ll look like a hussy? I’d seen hussies but they didn’t look all decked out like that.)

8. No dating til you’re 16.
(I was too busy playing football, wrestling, and fixing cars with boys.)

9. Stay away from the railroad trestle.
(Never listened to this. My paper route went from the eastside of town to the south side, with a big river in-between. This meant I had to go all the way downtown, cross the bridge, then head south from my east-side deliveries–or walk the trestle. It was the way to go! It saved 20 minutes off my time.)

10. If someone thought enough of you to send a card or present, you should think enough of them to send a thank-you card.
(A good one, well learned. Seems like we have lost that courtesy a long time ago.)

If you only knew, Mom!

 

To Sit and Digest . . . aaah

feather pen

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WHO ARE MY PEOPLE?

By Rosa Zagnoni Marinoni

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My people?  Who are they?

I went into the church where the congregation

Worshipped my God.  Were they my people?

I felt no kinship to them as they knelt there.

My people!  Where are they?

I went into the land where I was born,

Where men spoke my language . . .

I was a stranger there.

“My people,” my voice cried.  “Who are my people?”

 

Last night in the rain I met an old man

Who spoke a language I do not speak,

Which marked him as one who does not know my God.

With apologetic smile he offered me

The shelter of his patched umbrella.

I met his eyes . . . And then I knew . . . .

 

 

I went wandering this morning and found some food for thought.  Enjoy this work by an amazing poet and follow the link to read all about her:  Rosa Zagnoni Marinoni, a great lady, author and poet and human being. 

Rosa Zagnoni Marinoni (1888–1970) – Encyclopedia of Arkansas

“Finally, brethren. . . become complete,  Be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.  The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit, be with us all.”  2 Cor.  13:11, 14

 

Have a great day!

Jeanne